Midlife Crisis

I'm already in the point in my life wherein I don't know where I am going. Having fears inside me, feeling down most of the time and afraid of what the future might bring is my everyday dilemma. I know that God said in His words that I need not fear for He is with me and that He already have planned everything that would happen in my life. He wants me to prosper and wants me to live life to the fullest. I already know that but I still can't help but wonder what would happen next. Am I feeling this way because my hubby doesn't have a stable job yet? Or is it because of my current responsibility paying for the house amortization? Or is it just the feeling of inadequacy, not being enough, being a failure. I want to succeed in this life but how can I do it if I don't like my current job. I want to explore other possibilities but how can I do that if no one is helping me? It shouldve been perfect if both me and my hubby is working. We would be able to save for the future, buy stuff for the house and maybe plan a family. But right now, I am the only one providing for the both of us and I already feel so tired of all of these responsibilities. I hope one day there will come a time when I won't have to worry about what will happen in our life in the future...hopefully, my hubby will also help me carry this burden.

Waiting...

I don't know but lately I've been feeling so down lately. Since our Operations Manager started barging our calls for the last three days,. They said it's a random audit but four of my teammates already has been barged at and she started only in our team. I hate that feeling. A feeling that anytime, you can be kicked out of your job. Hayz I guess I feel that I am not ready to lose this job yet. I don't have any savings right now. Imagine, ten years of working and no savings yet! I admit, my current salary is more than P25,000 and my sister is the one paying for the house...my only responsibility is our food, our utilities, our transportation and my parent's allowance which if added all in all...would only amount to around P15,000. I could save around P10,000 monthly and yet saving P3,000 is such a painful task for me to do. Maybe because I am the only one working for me and my hubby. I can't blame him. At those times when he does have a job, I always ask him to stay with me and be absent especially when it's my rest day. He's been without job for three years now and I guess our situation would be different if were both working. I just hope that he could get a permanent job soon so I my plan of resigning next year and  be a full time blogger would come to reality.Lately, I have been irritated with my hubby, maybe because I can't see a drive in him to uplift our standard of living. He always say he would find a job but he really didn't do anything...he is just waiting for my instruction. He should be the one leading the way, directing the way we should live. He should be the one to do the planning and yet he is waiting for my instructions all the time. I hope he could find a way to make our lives easier...

Change In Attitude

Well' I'm back again on this blog. I'm ashamed of not being able to stick to my plans...I can't take the fact that am already 31 years old but I only have P3,000 on my bank account. I am already earning around P30,000 monthly and yet, I wasn't able to save. I've been working for almost ten years now and yet, I still feel I'm still starting in my career. Yes, I am afraid. Afraid to lose, afraid to be laughed at, afraid to be alone. I don't want to take risks and thinks negatively in every application. I definitely hate myself. I don't want to live like this anymore but I don't know how to start. I know I have the capacity to be rich but I don't have the proper discipline to reach that goal. Lord, help me to change my attitude. I don't want to be a happy go lucky girl anymore, I want results. I want good results. I hope the next time I vent out my feelings as honestly as this one...I already have good news. For now, wish me luck.

My Idol Writer

I really want to write the same way Kris Aquino writes. She writes what’s in her mind and never withholding anything. I love how she passionately shares her likes and dislikes and how she informs her readers on what’s new and what’s hot in the market such as what tea she is currently drinking and what’s the benefits of choosing it among others. I am fond of buying back issues of K Magazines and is really enjoying every moment I’m reading it. I love the life she lives, minus all the craziness she had before. In totality, I love the way she handles herself, being able to learn from previous mistakes and always seeing something positive in everything. I hope I can be as bubbly and as organize as Kris Aquino in her writing. Aja!

What A Crazy Month

It's been the craziest one month of my life so far. For one month, I've been living in a big lie and a big fantasy. I thought everything would be easy but it's as complicated as complicated can be. I need to reorganize everything as it has been ruined by a certain feeling I keep for a certain person. I know for a fact that it is wrong but I continue to cherish it hoping one day, the fantasy would materialize. But I was wrong, things only went from bad to worse and it came to a point that it's already uncontrollable. I need to stop this feeling before I could hurt someone who values me more than himself. I know I need to end this beautiful dream and face whatever reality in store for me. I would be stronger this time I promise and would forever forget what transpired that crazy month.

On Backing Out

Hay naku, we should've gone to a comedy bar tonight but because Melai just backed out the last minute...same with icey.. well, i think I'll just gonna call it off na lang. I don't like the attitude of people who would always say yes all the time and at the last minute, would say no. It's better for you to decline to a request than to always say yes then would quit the last minute. Hay, wala tuloy akong reserbang gagawin. I have a looonggg 3 day off, I wonder what I'll do on the next two days, hayyyy... maybe I would just update all my 10 blogs, kikita pa ako. God Bless Everyone!

Haunted by an Old Memory

He again chatted with me saying he got a tech support position on the same company I am working for only he was deligated in UP Ayala Hub. To be honest with you, I don't know why instead of being happy... I was kind'a sad about it. I resigned from my first job because of him... because I don't want to fall in love with my best friend. We're not able to see each other for five long years and then boom ... all of a sudden, he would again show up saying "at last! we're now officemates!" He does'nt have to go to the path I've walked through. I'm soooo much over him already since the day I confessed to him what had transpired in the past which made me decide to leave my job. I was kind'a devastated as he still doesn't have any clue how much he've hurted me. I don't want him to to ruin my life again. I managed to be fine without him... I managed to survive. Now, he's back - wanting me to be a part of his life again...it's just so unfair. I don't know why God allows me to go through the same path again but I believe that this is just a test of faith. I must be strong... I must learn how to resist. I must not give in...not anymore...

A Change of Heart

It has been a great week! I happen to meet with an old friend yesterday and I may say...my feelings for him was not the same as what I used to have before. Things changed drastically. I don't know why I had this sudden change of heart but I am really thankful to God for leading me in the right path. If I still have this strong feelings for him till now, it would be very hard for me to decide whether or not to settle with my present boyfriend. God really moves in mysterious ways and I know that all of these things that transpired within the past couple of months are a part of His plan. Thank you Lord for changing my heart. I now know what you want me to do. Amen.

MY DREAM OF BEING AN ENTREPRENEUR

Lately, my time is usually being spent in front of my PC - checking, researching and finding ways to earn extra so we could be able to save for our future. I want to have one so bad that I search most all day for the past 2 days now, with lunch and dinner as my only break time. No wonder my eyes feel tired and heavy all the time. I've never been obsessed like this before - I've never wanted something so much that it takes me hours to research about it. Just this morning, I saw an episode of "Kabuhayang Swak na Swak" about an entrepreneur who is making it big in business of selling UP inspired t-shirts and right threre and then, I suddenly felt that this too is the business for me. I've again searched on the net and was able to get some infos on how to start up one. First, you must have your own design for your tshirts. I don't know how to draw, I am not so good in creating logos and designs, but I do know one who is good at it... My kuya Elmer! Once I was able to start this biz, I would ask him to work for me instead. It would definitely help him raise my nephew. The other things to consider are finding the right machines to print the designs on the shirt, looking for the best tshirt suppliers and where to market the items. Among the latter three, finding the best tshirt supplier will be the most challenging thing to do but I do believe that once I was able to study the ins and outs of the business...everything will go well. I hope all my prayers will be granted. Thank you for the desires of my life Lord, Amen!!!

A Prayer

Sometimes I feel most of my decisions in life is a failure. I should have done this, I should have chosen that...but through all these failures , I feel that God is always leading me to the right path..that whenever I feel down, He is always ready to pick me up so I can starts all over again. I'm not sure if I have chosen the right road to take - I am not even sure where life would lead me. Most of the time are spent thinking of what will happen in the future. I am always dreaming of a better tomorrow, when in fact, I could make that dream into reality NOW. I need guidance Lord, especially in where I want to be 5 years from now. Please help me make the right decisions. Help me be the person you want me to be. Guide me Lord and I know with you in my life...I would never be wrong. Amen.

I Need Rest

Saturday and Sunday were my restdays for the week. My friends are inviting us our last Saturday for a night out as Peejay does have free ticket invites at a famous comedy bar. Thought I would love to go… I decided not to join as I feel really tired I don’t know why I always feel that I need simple rest as things really get clogging in my brain, I feel I need to rejuvenate myself by resting and first reasons myself. I’m already 29 years old and I still don’t know is that what’s my next step after cvg. All I know is that I would be returning from work on the next two years - get my early retirement pay and have a good life. I know I want to have a business but that part is not clear either. I need my rest to take. Unfortunately – I again wasn’t’ able to go to church today. I wast I would just wake up one day and everything in my life in proper place.

Revival

Oct. 13,2008
Monday 4:08 am


It's my second day off and its a Sunday. Instead of going to church, I spend the rest of the day in front of my computer...finding ways to earn extra online. This has been a routine and I don't know how to stop it. I know that I was'nt able to go to church service for almost 4 years now (since we me and my Jojo lived together). I know it's not good but still, I don't do anything about it. I want to revive back my faith which has been stagnant for 4 years...though I know that I am blessed to know the TRUTH about salvation - I refuse to obey. Lord I pray that you won't give up on me. I know I have'nt been a good daughter to you and bearer of the good news but Lord, I again offer myself to be a living testimony of how great you are and how good you've been to me. I want to touch other's lives again and again feel your presence inside me. I hope it's not too late Lord. I have been a backslider...but here I am again...asking for forgiveness and hoping you'll take me back. I love you Lord, I know I can still make it up to you. Amen.

Prayer Request

SEPTEMBER 13
SUNDAY

grabe, sobrang tumal ng review offers ngayon. Haaay... I am so worried about my money making experiment that I added a few more blogs so I can submit those again on those paid to post sites. I used to earn at least $10 a day from it because of my PR3 blog, but since google slapped my PR (for 3 of my blogs and left me with one with PR1) ... those review offers I receive are getting less. Well, I think that's a life of on online blogger. Sometimes you got it all, sometimes you're left with none. Actually, I have 2 review offers at hand - one is for $10 (minus 35% commission of the site) and a $5 review (minus commission) offer which would give me a total of barely $10 for both reviews. I am thankful for every blessings I am getting no matter how big or small it is.... I just hope I can find more ways on how to make money online as many people depends on me. My live in partner Jojo does'nt have a regular job right now and is just managing to help me on my online venture. He usually is the one who visits sites and put in comments to help me promote my blogs. He also the "clicker" who clicks on those PTC sites and the survey taker for those survey sites I joined. We are planning to have a home based business but were still on the brainstorming stage right now. I hope and pray that everything would going to be fine for us. I know that my salary is not enough for both of us especially that our transportation expenses eats up most of my salary... I just hope I can find more ways to earn now that I have a "talent" and all the resources for it. I plan to retire after 3 years...I mean, I don't want to work for others anymore. It's either I'll gonna concentrate on my blogging scheme or I'll gonna be an entrepreneur myself... but I thought to myself, how can i do that if the only savings I have in the bank is P1500? Yup, nakakahiya mang aminin, I only have P1,500 in the bank after working for almost 6 years now. That's sad indeed. I hope I can have the will and the drive to save something for my future and I hope and pray God would help me achieve it. I know God knows better than I... there's a greater thing that would happen anytime soon. By faith I pray, amen!

Finally, Im Back!

SEPTEMBER 12
FRIDAY

well, how long have i parked this blog and never tried posting anything..not even one? hmmm...yeah, it's been 7 months since my last post. As you can see, the first entry shows the feeling of a girl excited about how to live her life, encouraging others to make the most out of it, telling people not to be afraid of showing her true self. It is still my predicament till now... I still believe the since we only live once - we might as well make the right decisions. It's either hit or miss, win or lose, success or failure. I hope I can impart to you how I fight my own life battles and how God help me endure through it all. I've been blogging for sometime now...say, almost five years. I've learned to impart a part of me and was able to gain friendship through it and I hope I can post as honestly as possible on this blog. Welcome and I hope you enjoy your stay!

THE STORY OF MY LIFE

I know I told you on my last post that I will think of a topic to use for this blog and will just post it the tomorrow...unfortunately it took me almost 25 days before I can think of something....and you can't believe what I think I need to do for this blog....

I think I want to use this as my online diary...well, is'nt it kind'a usual? Usually you blog because you want to pour out your feelings, you want to take note of what your views are about a certain topic, or you just want to blog about something. Well, that's what I intend to do with this blog. I want to be as personal as possible so I don't think I can use this for my online blog reviews. Anyway, it's ok...let my other blogs serve that purpose.

Thank you for visiting... I intend not to inform my friends that a blog of mine like this do exists. I don't want them to know everything about me. I don't want them to know what I feel about a certain thing or a certain person...I just created this blog to have an outlet...to take note of my frustations...happiness...fears....excitement....

Thank you for reading this...I don't expect you to continue to read but if you want to hold on and read anyway...you're always welcome to drop by....


THIS IS MY STORY. THIS IS MY LIFE. I HOPE I AM ABLE TO GLORIFY GOD THROUGH THIS JOURNEY OF MINE....

WELCOME TO MY WORLD....

uncertain...

to be honest with you...i really don't know what the concept of this blog will be. still don't have any idea after 10 minutes of staring on the computer monitor. Hay, my head aches na talaga. After posting 2 reviews from my sponsors at i am emotera - i feel i am really tired and exhausted na. Maybe I will have a better idea tomorrow after going home from the office. I still have my shift at 9 pm today pa kasi so I think I need to rest na. Lord, please let it be clear to me how will I go about writing stuff for this blog. To you be the glory forever. Amen. Till tomorrow!